24
Jan

ten ways to celebrate next year’s “National Day of Patriotic Devotion”



Declare yourself at war with your local news station.

Talk to a lot of white men. Repeatedly blame one of your professional failures on “the illegals.”

Sit outside in the rain blessings from God.

Have a party for ten people. The next day, tell everyone there were at least fifty folks there.

Add razor wire to the fence around your back yard.

Act like you make 1/1000th of what you actually make. Call people in your actual income bracket “elitist.”

Insult and interrupt everyone you know. Later, criticize them for not liking you.

Celebrate the complete eradication of ISIS from the face of the earth.

Buy American. Realize that leaves very little to buy and put the money toward your $8000 health insurance deductible.

Google every instance of the phrase “patriotic devotion” in North Korean propaganda.

 

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