17
Jan

Proverbs 31, updated

A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than mutual funds.

Her husband has full confidence in her
and has no idea how they would manage if she didn’t work.

She brings him good, and brings in the groceries,
all the days of her life.

She selects only the best box mixes
and frosts the cookies for the school bake sale by HAND.

She gets up while it is still night
and puts a chicken into the crockpot
and kibble in the dog bowl.

She considers a URL and buys it;
out of her earnings she starts a blog.

She sets about her work vigorously;
and can dust the top of the china cabinet if she stands on tiptoe.

She sees that her day trading is profitable,
and her iPhone does not go out at night.

In her hand she holds the Target Red card
and grasps the weekly coupons with her fingers.

She opens her arms to the cub scout troop
and extends her arms to the PTA.

When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
all of them have coats
except for Nina who lost hers.

She buys coverings for her bed after the cat pukes on the comforter;
she is clothed in a purple hoodie bought on sale.

Her husband is respected at the HOA,
where he takes his seat among the executive committee and tells Todd that
once again this year it’s against the rules to hang a dead deer in his back yard.

She makes earrings and sells them on Etsy
and hand-letters cute signs for the women’s ministry.
Or she doesn’t, because she is not into arts and crafts at all except for one time when she spent three hours helping with a school project.

She is clothed with dignity and Spanx;
she can laugh at the days to come, although retirement may be out of the question.

She speaks with wisdom,
and she does not use her swears even when her teenager looks at her blankly and shrugs after five questions in a row, even when she finds a half-eaten baked potato in the dirty clothes basket, even when the client asks for a third round of revisions offering only the feedback, “Um, it just needs to feel DIFFERENT, you know?”

She updates the family calendar with sports practices and work schedules
and does not eat bread unless it is gluten-free.

Her children and stepchildren arise and call her, they call her so many times, sometimes they call her before she has had any coffee;
her husband also, and he praises her, and asks if she has seen his wallet:

“Many women work hard,’ he says,
‘but you also look good in yoga pants.”

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is Botox;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Honor her for having a semi-clean house
and let her works bring her praise on Facebook.

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