9
Aug

15 things I learned on vacation

Yak tastes a lot like beef but costs $4 more.

It doesn’t rain much in Colorado, unless the Johnsons are going to a waterpark.

I want to travel everywhere by train.

It’s good that Miles didn’t lose his suitcase, because he simply wrote “Cheesesteak City” as the address on his luggage tag.

Nina doesn’t talk much when the hike starts at 7 am and she stayed up until 1am watching “The Office.”

Abhineeta Matney makes amazing Indian food from scratch (and she’s gracious when you’re 15 minutes late because of the bad traffic in Denver).

There is always, at …

27
Jun

opinions expressed by the 62-year-old Italian couple behind me on American flight 4657

–This flight is already ten minutes late.

–It’s not tornado season. That’s October. It’s like the hurricanes.

–Probiotics! I’m saying, they just make you so itchy.

–We should have taken off twenty minutes ago!

–I brought my own water. You can’t trust the water on these planes.

–You want to always get a flu shot. You don’t get a flu shot, you’re gonna cry.

–Solitaire is better with the sound turned way up. You need to hear the cards clicking.

–Are you KIDDING ME? They haven’t even closed the plane’s door yet.

–These bags of pretzels couldn’t get any smaller.

–Someone’s going to figure out his death was a set-up for life insurance. Sure they will. We figured it …

20
Jun

repost: 11 rejected VBS themes

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God’s Great Creation and How You’re Ruining It

It’s Only Grape Juice: Sharing the Truth with Your Catholic Friends

Roll Up Your Sleeves and Let’s Clean the Church

God Can Do Anything—So Pray Away Your Peanut Allergy!

Heaven is for Rizzle: Rapping through the Psalms

Journeys with Job

jabVaccination Station! Just Get Your Measles Shot Already

Talking in Tongues by Tuesday

A Warrior After God’s Own Heart: Re-creating the Battles of David*

Jesus Loves You, But He …

7
Feb

my life in texts, part 10

Hi from Atlanta.
Hi from Denver.
Hi from Chicago.
Hi from Atlanta. Again.

Where the %#$@ do you hide the butter?

I can’t do a phone conference in the subway.

Part of my job is coordinating 14 people, none of whom speak English.

Please turn off the hot tub jets.

If you don’t take out the recycling I will punch you in the facehole.

Do u have 19 cents?

I can make you hot chocolate as bribery.

There is not an abundance of competence in this store.

Nina – turn off the hot tub!

It’s like there’s a demon on …

17
Jan

Proverbs 31, updated

A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than mutual funds.

Her husband has full confidence in her
and has no idea how they would manage if she didn’t work.

She brings him good, and brings in the groceries,
all the days of her life.

She selects only the best box mixes
and frosts the cookies for the school bake sale by HAND.

She gets up while it is still night
and puts a chicken into the crockpot
and kibble in the dog bowl.

She considers a URL and buys it;
out of her earnings she starts …

4
Oct

repost: questions I wish had been asked during the presidential debate

I wrote this during the 2012 campaign season, but it still holds up, other than (happily) needing an update because we now have a female candidate. The VP debate is tonight – anybody have an in with CBS News???

What does your wife have to nag you about most often?

What is one television show you’re ashamed to admit you watch?

Describe your worst food poisoning experience.

Can you do anything about the “automatic” faucets in airport bathrooms?

Name one thing your opponent is seriously better at than you.

What’s your go-to karaoke song? Let’s hear it.

How much does a gallon of milk cost? A gallon of gas?

Please list all prescription and over the …

19
Sep

Miles is 18!

Miles turns 18 today. We love him so much our hearts could burst.

13
Sep

my life in texts, part 9

slow-children-texting

Tell Miles I’ll give him five dollars to have a five-minute conversation with a college girl.

Listening to Hall and Oates. You have inspired me.

Hypothetically, where would the floor cleaner be for when Nikki pukes?

Did not realize the new dress code for flying is yoga pants.

I have no idea who these guys are.

We should make a video. A viral one.

On my way to breakfast. Wearing my hipster shirt.

I’m gonna need a young priest and an old priest.

Uzbek food tonight!

He says he’s 5’10” but I think he’s shorter.
Guys lie about …

22
Dec

That’s Christmas

Sometimes we fall backwards into traditions.

In 2010 I stumbled across a video of two spectacularly unenthusiastic women singing “Go Tell It on the Mountain” on public access TV, and decided it had to be shared with you all. Then in 2011 a guy named Preston, in my then-city of Nashville, filmed his own music video in the local mall and it made me laugh and so it, too, was passed along. In 2012 it was elderly twins named Stella and Ella doing–let’s be generous and call it choreography–to Silent Night, and then in 2013 I discovered …

28
Oct

my life in texts, part 8

The_Secret_Life_of_Superheroes_Greg_Guillemin_08

 

One child didn’t shower, one showered with body lotion instead of soap. We’re off to a good start.

They’re getting reacquainted by beating on each other.

If you can glance at it Monday crack of dawn that would be great.

He had to leave the call because police were on the property.

Ain’t no party like a church girls party.

Bad news in the papaya department: it never got ripe.

My introvert is tired.

I left my Kindle at the hotel.

I think she ran away to Mexico because she doesn’t want to talk to us.

Want to go …