a list for friday: ways Carl Sandburg Middle School could make back-to-school night more interesting

Stage a dramatic reenactment of the shop teacher cutting off his thumb.

Demonstrate what, exactly, they’ll be teaching during “square dance (techno)”.

Explain why the teachers make bank but the school can’t afford enough English textbooks for every student.

Refuse to let anyone leave until someone volunteers to coach 7th grade cheerleading.

Release a ferret in the hallway during class changes.

Use role playing to demonstrate the dangers of bullying. Randomly select parents to play the parts.

Fog machines!

Force the principal to reveal her real hair color.

Require parents to dress like their kid. (Oh, wait, this is Levittown—they already do.)

Two words: Fire drill.

Pass out paper mache and let everyone get a head start on those science projects.

Play “Sardines.”


Have everyone take a drink each time someone in the administration uses the word “excellence.”

Stop drinking when you start to believe them. You’ve had enough.

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