During work on an editorial about Bible translation, I spent some time on Amazon investigating the current Bibles for sale. In addition to the gatrillion translations out there, publishers are milking the cash cow with “niche” Bibles for specific groups. Here are a few I think Christendom can do without.
The Holy Bible: Stock Car Racing Edition — apparently Zondervan has sold its soul.
The NIV Outdoorsman Bible (camouflage cover is optional)
The NIrV Precious Princess Bible — “with embedded rhinestones”
Johnny Cash reads the NKJV New Testament — from Folsom Prison. Not really, but that would be awesome.
The Lighting the Way Home Family Bible by Thomas Kinkade — Just ignore all the passages about being drunk with too much wine and cheating people in unethical business dealings.
The Gaither Homecoming Bible — I predict the large print edition will be the biggest seller.
The Holy Bible, Woman Thou Art Loosed Edition — Thou art also out $19.99.
The Spiritual Warfare Bible — “More than 250 one-sentence declarations and prayers that affirm your determination to confront Satan with the Holy Spirit’s help.”
The HCSB Police Officer’s Bible — Also in the line: the Firefighter’s Bible, the Airman’s Bible (with Jimmy Stewart’s testimony!), the Law Enforcement Officer’s Bible, the EMS Bible, the Soldier’s Bible, the Sailor’s Bible, the Coast Guardsman’s Bible……
The ESV Waterproof Bible — “with incredibly durable synthetic pages.” Can you say hot tub ministry??!
The Bible: Manga edition–oh, good grief.
The Bride’s Bible — somehow I managed to get hitched without this.
The Grandmother’s Bible — complete with a protective sleeve for the kid’s picture.
The God is Watching Over Me Bible — with a glow-in-the-dark cover to remind you of God’s presence. Seriously.
The American Patriot’s Bible — “The story of the United States is wonderfully woven into the teachings of the Bible.” That’s just what we need.
The NKJV Maxwell Leadership Bible — I predict the Joel Osteen edition is coming soon.
The Complete Personalized Promise Bible — to quote a New Yorker article, this Bible “is custom-printed with the owner’s name (‘The Lord is Daniel’s shepherd’), home town (‘Woe to you, Brooklyn! Woe to you, New York!’), and spouse’s name (‘Gina’s two breasts are like two fawns’).”
The Surfer’s Bible–in CEV, of course.
The Prophecy Study Bible — edited by Tim LaHaye. Leave it behind.